Bad Couple of Days

I know that it is all still very recent and raw, I also know the grief is a journey. A journey on the sea, full of waves. Just as you think you have had a couple of "ok" days, another wave of another emotion comes to kick you back under again. This time a couple of things have caused my bad days. The day before yesterday, I was tagged in a facebook post for a giveaway by a friend. Normal thing to happen you think? Except this friend I thought was a best friend. A best friend that I have barely heard from since my dad died. A best friend that has also lost a parent. Still sounding fairly normal for them to tag me? Well, yes, it is. It is until I say that the post was for a fathers day giveaway to win a tray of brownies that say "Worlds Best Dad" on them. It absolutely floored me. Literally. I was in such a state, I was sobbing, I had a panic attack, I felt sick. I don't know what went through her mind to do it but she did and I have been in a bad place ever since. Then, obviously, the lovely algorithms on facebook got involved and every single advert I saw when I next logged on was for something relating to fathers day. I have not logged on again since and I have deleted the app from my phone. Its been hard enough getting emails from companies advertising their fathers day offers, never mind someone I thought would understand rubbing it in my face. I am so lucky to have my partner, Darren, with me. He has been amazing and looking after me as much as he can. 

I went back to work after 2 weeks off and thats been almost a distraction from everything until today. I work in a jewellers on my local high street, which is right opposite  card shop. This weekend, their window display changed to all things fathers day related. Big banners, helium balloons, everything. I have been dreading seeing it. I have also been dreading people coming into work wanting gifts too. I have been lucky to have avoided it so far but today was not so lucky. A young family came in to buy a watch. When my colleague was getting the box, the lady looked at the man and said "thats sorted then, happy fathers day". I couldn't leave the shop floor and I don't know how I held it together. 

Does anyone believe in signs? As I was trying to keep my cool in the shop, I looked at the floor and there was a white feather on the floor by my foot. I knew it was my Dad. Then tonight, I was stood at the back door looking at the garden and a robin came and landed in the tree right by me. I have always believed in signs, now I believe them even more.