Fathers Day

Today is Father's Day. The first one without my Dad. We spent the day doing what we would've done with him, we went for a cream tea at a local stately home. But, of course, that was after I laid on the bed and cried my heart out for 2 hours. I felt every emotion there was. I felt happy for the memories of previous fathers days, sad that he is no longer here, angry that he had to leave us and now I feel a bit numb. We had a forget me not put in the homes gardens by a local hospice but I didn't feel any connection to it at all. A stainless steel forget me not, with his name in a big list of other people's passed loved ones. My mum and sister got emotional and cried but I felt nothing. My sister took photos, I didn't want to. I thought it was a lovely idea when we organised it, today I almost regretted having it there. How is something my dad never saw, that he never knew anything about supposed to make me feel connected? Am I wrong to not feel upset? Is it bad that I don't? I will never know. Grief comes and goes in waves, like being in a boat on a vast ocean, the smallest things can set an emotion in flow but, the dedication of a flower didn't seem to do it. I wanted to feel something but I couldn't. In a way I am frustrated at that, in another I'm not really bothered. Guess that's the grief doing its crappy thing. The rest of the visit was quite nice, we sat outside the cafe with our cream tea and talked about how much he would've enjoyed it. Just before we left my sister got upset again, I don't think I could understand why. We have never been there with dad, so it wasn't like we were leaving somewhere that we have spent a lot of time with him. As we were leaving I caught myself thinking "going back now, we will see dad when we get home". Then I have to remind myself he's not here.