I have lost my Dad

My name is Kate. I am 39 years old and 22 days ago my Dad passed away. No one can prepare you for the loss of a parent, it is the loneliest thing I have ever experienced. I have family and friends but the one person I want to talk to about my Dads death is my Dad. I want to use this blog as a journal to help me process my grief. If anyone finds it and it helps them too then that's even better.

I know most people say that their Dad was amazing, my Dad really was. He was my best friend. He was my hero and now he is my angel. 

"The reality is that you will grieve forever. You will not 'get over' the loss of a loved one; you will learn to live with it. You will heal and you will re-build yourself around the loss you have suffered. You will be whole again but you will never be the same. Nor should you be the same nor would you want to" - Elisabeth Kűbler-Ross

I remember seeing the quote above a while ago, long before my Dad was diagnosed with cancer, and it didn't really make sense. Why wouldn't you get over it? Why would you not want to be the same? Reading it again now, I understand exactly what it means. I will not get over this, I will learn to live with it eventually. I will never be the same again, my life has changed forever. I also don't want to be the same, I want to be better. My Dad had an amazing life but now I want to make mine amazing. I want to make him even more proud of me than he already was. I will do this but, for now, I need to take time to grieve and to process. 

Even though we were told his cancer wasn't curable none of us were prepared to lose him. It also happened so fast, way too fast. There was still so much I wanted to do with him, so much I wanted to say to him. He was first diagnosed last autumn and he had an operation in December to remove the cancer. We were told this was successful and he was recovering nicely. Then this spring, he noticed that he was still coughing and he was still getting pains in his chest. We were advised that the cough and the pain could linger while the recovery from the op was ongoing so we didn't really think too much of it. Then it got worse. In April he went for more scans and we were told it was back and there was a lot of it. Not long after we has admitted to hospital for a weekend for possible blood clots. While he was there they did more tests and more scans etc but we didn't really think there was much change. He came home for a couple of weeks, then one morning Mum got up and found him collapsed over the bed, he was stuck and he couldn't move. She called for paramedics and they came to help. They got him sorted and comfortable and the hospice that were managing Dads pain relief advised that his GP had been told to come out and see him. He was admitted to the hospital that afternoon, that was 3rd May. During his stay he had more tests and it was discovered that he had had a mild stroke at some point, we were also told that his cancer was extensive and had spread to his lymph nodes. Whilst he was in there we arranged for a bed, wheelchair and anything he may need be sent home so when he returned he would be safe and comfortable. He never came home. He passed away on the 18th May.

Since his passing we have spent many hours looking at photographs and talking about memories we have together. In a way it has been lovely, in another bigger way it has been heart-breaking.

I have been so focused on making sure my Mum is as ok as she can be, making arrangements for the funeral and trying to get myself back to work that I have forgotten to look after myself and I am scared for how I will feel after we have had the funeral. I am also worried for my Mum and how she will feel too. All I can do is look after her and make an effort to look after me too. 

I know my Dad is still with us, in his own special ways, and he always will be.